I must start where I am, and everything else will fall into place.

It’s 5am, the walls seem to be closing in on me. There is a sharp pain in my lungs, and it hurts to breathe. I do not know what will happen, or what is wrong with me. The doctors say I am fine, so why am I feeling like I’m not?

To say last year and a half was challenging is an understatement. I am sat here crippled with worry about my health, not knowing what could happen, and if it will get better. I ended up getting Covid twice, the first time having damaged my lungs, affecting the quality of life in the process, leaving me wondering if it will ever be any different. It is completely understandable to fear something that we do not know, especially when it comes to our health and wellbeing. Then why do I feel abnormal?

And yet, covid was not the only health issue I had experienced. In March I had undergone a preventative procedure. Since then, it has not been the same. It is paralysing oftentimes, leaving me just sitting there, crying for a while. I keep hoping it is going to get better, that I will overcome the obstacle, but I need to accept it as it is: sometimes in life, after a traumatic event, a person is never left the same.

The situations that happened to me were clearly not my fault, but I am the one who has to live with it. I am the one dealing with the pain in the middle of the night, fearing many things I cannot explain, feeling like I want my old self back. However, I also believe that in life everything happens for a reason. We must go through tough times to appreciate the good, we must face difficulty to grow as people and to, at least, have something to write about as writers, right?

Therefore, it is my responsibility to accept what happens to me, even if it is not my fault. Obviously, it feels infuriating, sometimes even like the universe has abandoned me, like the universe does not care anymore, and that I simply do not deserve this. Of course, I do not deserve this. You would think I have accumulated so much good karma by now. Who knows, the point is, I am worthy of good things – and I know that. Yet, it is not easy to accept the responsibility for the challenges that are thrown my way.

What if the struggle will lead me to where I need to be? What if it works out? What if everything will be okay in the end? After all, there is a sunrise after every sunset, so why should this be any different? We need to start interrupting our anxious thoughts. We need to resist those unwelcome visitors, and accept what happened to us, take charge of our lives with what we have in the moment. If you really think about it, that is all we can do. It is not going to change or get better if I just constantly feel sorry for myself. I need healing thoughts, I need compassion for myself, and I need to give myself time. That is all I can do, and that is the road I must take.

This makes me wonder, who will I become after coming through the other side? Who do I want to be? Surely not the person who wallows in self-pity and doubt. I want to become stronger, to be kind to myself, to feel happier. The answer to that question is not yet known, however, what I do today – matters. The decisions I make, how I talk to myself, how I choose to feel about myself and the work I put into myself. As they say, hard work pays off, so why should this be any different? If I take responsibility for what happened to me instead of blaming the world, I will make myself and others around me feel more at ease.

Basically, if I want to get the best results in life, I must play with the cards I have already been dealt. There is no other way, even if I do not like hearing that. I cannot change what life I was born into, what happened on the way to the present moment, or what the people around me are doing. All I can do is make the best decisions I can in the present moment and not let my emotions take over the ride. Emotions do not define my reality, yet it is so easy to believe that they do. Sometimes, we lose sight of what really matters and play the unproductive blame game with the world.

All I know is that nothing is certain in this life and that everything is constantly changing, meaning whenever I think I know something, I need to keep reminding myself of my own ignorance. Keeping myself in check should assist in this rollercoaster of emotions and help see the bigger picture.

It is my own choice how to see the events in my life, no one else’s. I can choose the way I measure situations and what happens to me, and, most importantly, I get to decide to work on myself to improve the quality of life, with what I already have. I must start where I am, and everything else will fall into place.